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A woman who is dressed appropriately—has her goodies reasonably covered, but is still sexy, is a keeper; a woman who is scantily clad and dripping sex is a throwback. A woman who shows her appreciation for all that you do for her is a keeper; a woman who acts like nothing you do can make her happy is a throwback. A woman who is loyal is a keeper; a woman who always has her eye out for the next best thing is a throwback. Some of the questions are extremely sad, some of them are so surprising they make you want to clutch your chest, and some of them just make you shake your head and wonder how the person asking for advice made it through.
She calls on him to do everything. She calls my house late at night and I can hear her through the phone, scream- ing at him about something that she may not have agreed on. She calls on him for money, to paint her house, to pick her up from the movies, to cook for spe- cial occasions, and even wash her clothes. What prompted me to write this letter is the fact that it is now P. My kids and I are often put on the back burner because he is always doing something for his mother.
I need him to be a man and take control. Let me tell you why a man will get up out of a warm bed with a beautiful naked woman in it, pull on his clothes, grab his keys, and get in his car at P.
Look, I already told you how this works: a man who loves you will be the man you need him to be if you have require- ments—standards you set to make the relationship work the way you want it to. The only thing you have to do is establish the rules, say them out loud early in the relationship, and make sure he sticks to them. You must put me and our kids after God and above all others. Be clear to everyone involved in our lives that they will respect your relationship—and me.
Men cannot read minds, and we are completely incapable of anticipating what you want. So you have to speak up. Her blood courses through his veins. But you most certainly can work with your man and his mom by controlling what you do have con- trol over—by using your powers to set standards and require- ments that he needs to abide by as the two of you work to create a family or to blend your families together.
If you choose to go over there, then you need to stay over there for the night. Leaving a woman and children in the house at a quarter to eleven at night—whether to bake cookies or go to the strip club—is un- acceptable if that woman thinks it is. His mother may not be happy about this, but what would you care? He recognizes pretty early on that the support he gets from his mother— clothes, housing, education, nurturing, and so on—needs to come to an end when manhood is full throttle, and that if he is to have a true, loving, lasting relationship with a woman, he needs to cut the proverbial umbilical cord from his mom so that he can give life to his new family—his own family.
All you have to do is speak up. I need you to be the head of this family. Not so much for women. Now I get it! And who could argue with that? But let a man step out on his woman, and watch the earth move. Cheating is not one of them. Now, we men? We understand this. Still, we do it. Men cheat because. For a lot of you, the act of intercourse is emotional—an act of love. By contrast, when it comes to men and sex, neither emotions nor meaning necessarily enter the equation.
Sex can be a purely physical act for us—love has absolutely nothing to do with it. Should I consent so that a potential for sneaking around can be eliminated? What can I do to get him to change his thinking—if anything? It was something that may have made him feel good physically, but emotionally, his heart—the professing, providing, and protecting he saves for the woman he loves—may be at home with his woman.
Trust me when I say this: under this situation, plenty of men would easily justify their getting some from somewhere else.
Neither he, nor any other man, for that matter, is going to go without sex too long. You see it as betrayal. Men see it as just a way to get tightened up, especially if.
Of course, men will consider the risks of getting caught cheating on his lady. I used to do a joke where I would en- courage men to ride their lie all the way out. A man who cheats has most certainly calculated the collateral damage that would come from getting busted—potential loss of the woman he loves, his children, his home, and his peace of mind—and he recognizes that this would be a devastating blow to all the things that matter in his life. And in the beginning, mostly, you will. You may think this is a cop-out, but it is the reality.
And so creep he will. The same can be true, even, of a man who is married with children. But only he can put his house in order. And that moral code will au- tomatically make him put family second, because this is what a relationship with God demands. Sometimes men wise up without God in their lives. His philandering stopped cold. And this man is missing the spark that used to be there.
Yes, these are the women who have no standards and requirements and who suffer from serious self- esteem issues, making themselves willing to cheat and available to be cheated on. And then teach all of this to your daughters, too. Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyz- ing; it can cripple you and keep you from performing in your next encounter.
You do that by upping the ante on your requirements. And if he breaks that promise and steps out anyway? Now sometimes, it takes a man to lose something or nearly lose something to really appreciate it. But he may eventually earn your trust back and be willing to work through it with you.
Trust me, I know. It happens to a lot of men. Such a man may exist but I have not met him. But I do know men of power who have learned to do right, go home, and take care of their families. Each one of them eventually gets to that. I certainly have; now, I carry my behind home. I had to come to this, though. And guess what? And their wives? She might come home from work and instead of kicking off those heels, keep them on and whisper in his ear to meet her in the bedroom for a pre- dinner snack.
Or she might smile a little more, act a little bit more happy, be a tad bit more spontaneous—appreciate her man more, and show it, too. This was certainly the story of one of my really good friends. Dude was miserable.
I mean, he was losing weight. And I want them back. Any married man can look at him and see how to get it done. And you know what? He goes home every night. She is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. She loves the Lord. And she cares for, respects, and adores me deeply. It started while I was doing a show in Memphis. She walked in with another attractive woman.
I knew right then and there we were going to be mar- ried some day of course, this was really more of a hope than a certainty—smile.
Maybe she knew it, too, or at least liked what she saw because even though she disappeared the night I informed her of my plan, she showed up two nights later at another show of mine, and this time, I asked her to come backstage and talk for a while. She agreed, and we became fast friends, and even dated for a spell. But eventually, we both went our separate ways. Still, Mar- jorie and I always remembered the friendship we had together, and we reached out to check up on each other from time to time.
But, even though I knew I was in love with this woman and that she loved me, I was still con- nected to some women friends I had developed after my divorce, when I had really started dating again. I should have known better, though. And sure enough, late that night, when I got up to go to the bathroom— it was about A. She was going to leave me—leave us. Her response made me realize right then and there, in the middle of that hallway, in the middle of the night, that she was The One.
I got these kids, I have a good life, and I want a man who will come in and complete my family. I realized right then and there, in that hallway, that I wanted no other. In other words, I became the man she needed me to be be- cause she had sense enough to have requirements—standards that she needed in her relationship in order to make the rela- tionship work for her.
She also knew this man had to be faithful, love God, and be willing to do what it took to keep this family together. These requirements are important to her because they govern how she will be treated; they are important to me, too, because they lay out a virtual map of what all I need to do to make sure she gets what she needs and wants. And it is my sole mission in life to make sure Marjorie is happy. It really makes us quite happy when you lay out your requirements for us.
We do like some kind of decorum. By the time ser vice is over, I feel so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going to go great. Get the picture? Be sure of this: if you tell a man you like red roses at work, dinner at that special restaurant across town, and Chanel bags for your birthday, that is exactly what he will give you—nothing less, but certainly nothing more.
And you will think that because he stopped, he changed. My philosophy? For example, funny? How do you expect to be pursued? Do you want regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least three times a week? Do you want him to always pick up the tab? What level of commitment do you expect? Do you want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively? Should it be up for discussion? Do you want him to be rich? Do you want him to make more money than you? Are you okay with a blue-collar worker?
Do you want a man who wants kids and is family oriented? Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt to his plan?
What do you expect of his family? Should you get along with his mother? Or if his father was never around? What should he be willing to do to woo you? Should he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts? But this much I will tell you: this man had it all—money, fame, and a bevy of super- beauties so bad he could have easily made Hugh Hefner scratch his head and wonder how he could get in on that action.
I mean this man was surrounded by gorgeous women. A lot. Still, he was a master at keeping a stack of solid tens at all times, with commitments to none of them. And I needed to know how this was done um, not neces- sarily so that I, too, could have supermodels hanging on my every word, but because I was genuinely blown away by the phenomenon. It just is what it is. And the more I asked the same questions of guys in similar situ- ations, I heard the same answer, again and again.
It happens with everyday guys—doctors and lawyers, truckers and deliv- erymen, too. Your objective is to avoid being on the string. Just stop being afraid, already. And we men? We recognize this and play on it, big time.
My sons will do it the same way because they can and there will be women who allow it to happen. How do you do this? Start by making the man be really clear up front about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you. Remember: No. His answer also will help you determine whether you want to be a part of that plan or not.
Men love to talk about themselves. We do this because we know that in order to catch you, we have to impress you. So allow us to impress. Maybe you can even see yourself helping him study or being there for him at graduation and giving him suggestions for how to transform himself from the blue-collar worker who installs the cable to the engineer who helps build the technology for the cable company. The same applies to the man who states his short-term goals, but clearly has no plan to implement them.
Either way, you may not want to sign up for his plan. Just stick to your own. If his long-term plan is the same as his short-term plan, get out. The man you should consider spending a little time on is the one who has a plan—a well-thought-out plan that you can see yourself in.
Because please believe me when I tell you—and like I told you in an earlier chapter—a man always has a plan. And then I met Sinbad. And I knew I wanted a piece of that action. His success made me realize that there was something to this comedy thing—that I needed to set in place a long-term plan that would afford me the kind of life I could see was possible for a comedian.
I wanted to get on television to provide a life- style for my family that would make them proud. I envisioned my life this way, and then created a plan for how I was going to get it.
But the point is, I had a long-term plan, with steps on how I was going to get there. Eventually, I reached those goals and then some. Now this one is a multiple-part question that sizes up how a man feels about a gamut of relationships—from how he feels about his parents and kids to his connection with God. Do it before you kiss this man, maybe even before you agree to go on a date with him—this is a great phone conversation, for sure.
What are his views on it? Does he want a family? How does he feel about children? Next, ask him about his relationship with his mother. We learn to protect her and provide for her; we learn about the basic core of love for a woman from her.
At any rate, ask questions about his relationship with his father, and his answers are bound to reveal the kind of father he just might turn out to be. After all, what moral barometer does he answer to if not to God?
If you have already had a sexual encounter with the man, you can ask these questions anyway. But his answer will be critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for you are.
You have a right to know. This, you will be able to tell by his answers. Listen to his answer closely. So do the follow-ups. That was really nice. And so forth with whatever char- acteristic he attributes to you.
And this is exactly where you want to be with this guy. W e men are fully aware that we have to answer these ques- tions, and any real man is going to answer them.
Maybe she might be the one to get me to the next level. I was living in Cleveland, I had a two-bedroom apart- ment, brand spanking new.
And I had a job at the Ford motor plant. They had a high hourly wage there, and overtime—more money than a man of my stature could dream of making. Thing is, you had to be on the job for a while to get them. You can get your eyes checked, no problem. Your hernia could bust and we will take care of you. Your whole family will be covered. And you know something? All of this made perfect sense to me. I was being challenged to show everybody at the plant that I was serious, and ready and able to work hard for both the salary and the right to have them pay my medical and dental expenses—and as a man, I needed and wanted to prove that I was up for the challenge and worthy of the reward.
I agreed percent with what the Ford Motor Company was saying to me, and so I signed on the dotted line. I wanted to be a part of the Ford family. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship—you do special things for each other because you care.
And he could walk off the job at any time. A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything—someone to be used and discarded. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait. Most impor- tant, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a committed relationship?
Or do you see signs that make your God-given intuition kick in? Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you. This is not a secret: men love and want sex, and will try within reason to get it by any means necessary. But guess what? The Power. The decision of when we get to kiss you is yours. That decision is yours. We put our hands somewhere on your body other than your shoulder and you decide if we can keep touching that place or if we gotta let it go.
Our job is to convince you to give it to us—to allow us to touch it, let us have it. But the decision on whether we actually get to have it is Y. Keep it. You only give up that power when the man has earned it, and he is going to respect it and do something with it. Women have crumbled empires with that power. Cleopatra helped destroy Rome. You can hug, kiss, talk on the phone, go for a walk in the park, have an ice cream cone together, go out for dinner.
Your time is a form of payment. The payment is incredible. You getting dressed up? Going out with us? Exchanging explicit e-mails? But if he wants to sleep with you—make babies and have a family? So get to it. Did he offer to get up an hour earlier so he could drive you to work while your car is in the shop? Did he offer to get up under the hood and take a look himself? Or tell you about his friend who owns a car shop and might be willing to do a favor for him—and you?
Real men extend themselves to women they care about. Or your new man may give you suggestions for how to deal with the unwanted phone calls; he might tell you to block his number or put a special ring on the phone so you know who it is when the phone rings, maybe even give you a few words to say to this guy to make him stop calling. Say you lose a loved one—someone really close to you.
A man who has plans for you will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that you can take the time to grieve. He might ask you if he can take your kids out for a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself, or he might ask you if he can go with you to the funeral home to be with you while you see about the funeral arrangements, and so that he can ex- press his condolences to your family.
But a real man will respond with some kind of solution—he will do what he can to help you stop crying, because no man wants to see his woman crying. Then the relationship becomes about what you want—what your needs are. Now, I realize that ninety days sounds like a lot of time and you kinda need to be real creative to keep his attention on you and your new relationship. So I came up with a list of things you can do with your man to help you—and him—stay focused on the relationship.
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